I would not go so far as to say that the time of grieving has passed. True grief only finds a low hum in one's soul. Yet I find that you must look back at what is lost and hold on tight to the memory while continuing to move ahead. Your loved ones would not want you to stop, for they wait for you at the end of the race. As a man of faith I am sure I will see those again who I lost almost a year ago. Right now I have realized how much the loss of them has truly affected me.
I guess the best way to discribe it is that I went from a world of wonderful color to seeing things in grey, black and white. It is like moving but going nowhere. Looking deep at my past entries most of which are not published I have come to a point where I find I must change. It is inevitable. Being changed can happen in a blink of an eye whether you chose to or not.
I know I am forever scared by my recent loss and will look at the world with one eye in black and white and try to regain color in the other. This is of course figurative but I hope you can understand the illusion I am making. I don't expect all of you to relate, but some will. All truths are revealed through experiences and some of those are pains, in that we can empathize or relate.
On the road that we call living one must move forward. The past will always be there like a scarp book of memories and whats more our hearts find it hard to forget love. Tony was the father I never had in my life. He taught me to play baseball, to fish, about being a man of honor and not letting people get to me. He was my Dad though he would never let me call him that. In the last year he was here with me we talked about Jesus and the end times. We worried together about my mom and my sister. We laughed and he saw me skydive indoors. Shane was my brother. No other way to describe him. Together we conquered armies, aliens and we walked through each others women problems. He taught me that life can begin anew after a great pain. In Las Vegas we had adventures and in life we shared our thoughts and dreams. Shane helped me with my writing and geeked-out with me on things from Mac product to Steam Punk guns. When I lost Tony he was there, and I was there as he lost Jesse. When his light fade so quickly after his brother the hole inside me turned into a chasm.
The Grand Canyon will never be filled and I have accepted the hole Tony and Shane left will not be filled either. Still like the Grand Canyon there is beauty there that is breath-takingly-painful. So I move on. I have been changed by life and loss. Now for the sake of those I love who are around me I forge all this experience into something useful. I am the heated metal in the tongs of the Great Smith. Keep watching as I am about to be made anew by God again. I believe some wondrous metamorphosis is about to occur. It does not mean I will forget or stop missing them. I just means I carry them with me till I see them again. All the good and the pain of the loss. Beauty from Ash. It's like phoenix rising...
Why do I bring this up?
