Passing on Life.

At school I learned about mind, body and soul. Life has taught me a weak heart, leads to a weak mind and both lead to a weak physical frame. All this theological jargon is to say I caught a cold. It is funny that this cold would give my soul some clarity. I meditated on my thoughts last night and opened the Word to think on hope. It was Peter who wanted to speak to me on the subject. So I sat down and listened and here is where we started.

(1Peter 3:15) "...but in your hearts regard Christ the Lord as Holy, always being prepared to make a defense to anyone who asks you for a reason for the hope that is in you." It was a strong first comment to say the least. And having it come from Peter, well the brash voice of the apostles always seems to have a curious smile like he knows more then he is letting on. So he let me talk.

"Why is that sometimes I have do find defend against my own heart? The world pounds down causing a tsunami of emotion that seems to drown out the logic and truth in my faith. Is this a testing of my mettle? To show me my faith."

Looking at him I continued. "Jewish thought on faith is standing rooted, unmovable like a tree. So in testing we find how deep our roots go. Still what is there to learn if testing does not lead to a brief intermission of rest. We sat silent Peter and I the Holy Spirit lighting the small room in my heart with his presence. I looked at my teachers and smiled."

(1Peter 1:3-9) "Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! According to his great mercy, he has caused us to be born again to a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, to an inheritance that is imperishable, undefiled, and unfading, kept in heaven for you, who by God's power are being guarded though faith for a salvation ready to be revealed in the last time. In this you rejoice, though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been grieved by various trials, so that the tested genuineness of your faith-more precious then gold that perishes though it is tested by fire-may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ. Though you have not seen him, you believe in him and rejoice with joy that is inexpressible and filled with glory, obtaining the outcome of your faith, the salvation of your souls." His response sent me back to thinking.

I felt the deep stir of that living hope. A fire if you will. The room seemed a bit brighter as I stared at my teachers. Peter seems to have the look like me griping his words was funny. Or maybe it was like seeing a son learn a truth and doing his Father proud I could not tell. The Holy Spirit just tussled my hair as I sat there silently. Jacob (who most people call James) had taught me about taking trials and tribulations with Joy. Peter seemed to want to build on the block; it was the growing living hope that grew inside us every time we made it through another hardship. In that experience our worship turned into something that much sweeter to the ears of heaven. It was true I felt that hope stir even in the depths of my angst in the last few days. All the loss I have experienced and all the good times just made me glad that there are still things I can learn. Knowledge I can pass on. Still this hope has changed me.

I turned my gaze back to Peter and began to think aloud again. "This hope is a gift that endures past this life. Trials are walking with Jesus through hardship helps it grow, change and evolve. I can look back now and see that in the past I would have fallen sulking in my trail and using sin to nurse me. Yet, now the light of hope inside me spurs me to do more, to get up and praise walking forward triumphant. "

The Holy Spirit and Peter both burst into laughing. It was awkward but when they reined it in the both smiled. "Yes you go it. It does our hearts good to know you our child are doing well and are learning much."

With that I got up to leave as I walked to the door I turned around. "Thanks, its time for me to share more. I said."

The Matter of Time

It has been a great deal of time since I have written here. There has been many attempts to add to my blog, that is to say I have quite a few drafts hidden away from you my dearest readers. I do not fool my self into thinking people have been waiting for my next post or that people check this regular. If that was so I would have many more followers and I would journal on here regularly. Still I wish to reconcile with you my few readers and post.

The journey, which is life, has been hard on all of us. Looking around the United States and all over the world for that matter, economies are not the strongest. The job market is not clamoring for fresh blood, old blood or even experienced blood. No the job market is like a famished child starving for the sustenance of new work. I myself continue my search for a job that can feed my soul, provide for my budding family and carry the weight of my college debt. Is there such a job for me, I do not know?

So I struggle, wrestle and fight with my emotions feeling like a failure unable to provide for my family, no in ministry and delaying my loans. I feel utterly defeated sometimes and even more so I feel as if I have missed out on my destiny. Still I know that I am not the only one struggling with such feelings. So here I sit typing out my thoughts to you the Internet knowing that the chance of reply or growth for my weird little piece of the blog-o-sphere in slim and none, a sounding board with no echo if you will.

I feel it is important anyway because who knows whom will stop by and be encouraged. Yes, encouraged because though I feel this way I have learned to put not stock in my emotions. Though they affect me there is bright beacon of hope in my heart, a shining light that is the creator of the universe. The great God of all and dwells in spirit with me because of Jesus.

It is this hope that pulls me out of this despair. I know right now I feel lost and fallen, that all my enemies surround me looking to gloat over their victory because of my shortcomings. In these times I cling on to the identity I know. That I am a son of the King and thus he has plans for me to prosper. It's only a matter of time.

All Out In The Wash...

Been a great long time since I posted anything, which means this will be multi placed post; once here and repeated else where on the Aether. To begin I have lost much and I have gained much, which makes it all a wash in my opinion.

In the last year most of you have known that I lost the man I considered my father and less then six months later a man I considered my brother. As the weeks turn to months though the pain has dulled, coping with such grief is tremendous burden I rarely share because truly few can understand it and I do not wish to have platitudes of comfort shoveled at me trying to fix what never can be. Some things truly change us forever.

I trust God in all his wisdom but these last two years have been gut wrenching, soul tearing and full of tears. The silver lining has been my Fiancée Jules. I thank God for her each day as I draw breath. Still with all the stresses of life sometimes I do not know which way is up. On the spiritual front I have a great many words spoken over me that are suppose to be blossoming at this time in my life and maybe this is all a part of them.

This is me, trying to cope with everything. I pray, play guitar, have a glass of wine. Life moves from day to day in sometimes mono-tone shades of grey and in few occasion everything slams into Technicolor and just moments later we are back in Kansas again Toto. I feel like I am speaking the crazies. Still I know that life plagues everyone with harsh ups and downs and I am not alone in this sentiment. Being not alone keeps me a bit saner then most.

In the bible people are hit by countless obstacles, tragedies and loss. It is in few of these cases we see restoration or blessing. The things I do see in these stories are people’s faith. They never quite on God and I am in love with the creator so I would never quite on him either. It gives me solace knowing that no matter what I might lose or gain God is still my anchor, goal and love. Does it make life any easer? Heavens no, but it does make life bearable in these late nights where my heart feels half shattered and my soul is walking the shadowy valleys...

The Starving Soul

With Mother's Day coming I went to the Family Christian to shop for all the new mothers I now have in my life. As I walked around I thought how much I missed where I was about 2 years ago at this time. The Refuge House of Prayer was filled with ups and downs, life and miracles, and fond memories. The most important thing I had there was constant time with the Lord. Since my time has ended there I have experience such heart ache, loss and love. So back to me standing in the bookstore.

Turning to my beautiful girlfriend I said "My soul is starving." She looked at me strangely inquiring why her voice filled with concern as always. We didn't miss a step as my conversation hit so many tangents as we shopped. She has to deal with my sometimes rabbit trailing mind. This late at night I am thinking on it. I am hungry to do his will. I am hungry to teach and preach. I hungry to feed the poor and to reach out to those in need. As I go to work everyday trying to pray and do what I am called to from behind concrete walls at a company. A silent hunger cultivates as I a unable even be associated with my calling.

As the mounting pressures of life and poor decision come to a head I wonder how God will answer and bring his promises to completion in my life. Still I seek to know in all this how to feed my soul so I can continue to grow with in all things as I wait. It is a interesting

dilema, but I know God and he always pulls through. For those who read this I leave you to Ponder this with me...

What hunger is in your soul?

Home (Brief Fleeting Moments for a Gypsy Christian)

As I sat there in worship and I wept.

I think that is a good place to start. I have not been to a church in a long time much less sat in a building that had a service in it. The way is a matter of calling a place home. It has been many a year since I discerned or felt God calling me to a Church as home. To be precise it has been 11 years since I have had that inclination. So waking up at 7am to get to LA in time I had no idea of what was to come.

Arriving at the El Rey theatre with my girlfriend Jules and cousin Chris I walked into expecting nothing but the usual instead I found something completely different. The El Rey Theatre was quaint small and anything but full as the worship team began. The music was not filled with popular titles, flashy guitar solos or much of anything you would expect to see in a church now a days. No it was simple words pulled from the Bible and put to music. As I sat there something in me seem to let go, relax and reach out to the Lord. Worship progressed and somewhere amongst my words and the rhythm of the music I felt Jesus wrap his arms around me and say welcome home.

As I sat there in worship I wept. It had been long and rough since I had been in those strong arms. As I poured my heart out everything faded and for one of those brief moments the world became clear as the creator spoke to me.

Home? I pondered the thought. By this time people where giving testimony to Lord and about his love. It made me smile. They took a offering for the poor and I gave what I have with a smile. They took a moment to celebrate the birth of the brethren who was there and when they where done Shawn Bolz the pastor took the mic.

He then proceed to teach not preach. For those who do not know the difference it is this, to preach is to convey a theological rhetoric and have agreement, while teaching is to pass on knowledge so one can grow. Not so subtle when I put it that way. Still to me it is a drastic difference, like a song calling you welcoming you home from far off in the distance being carried upon the wind.

There I sat learning, being feed on the word and just smiling. It was all confirmation that this was where I needed to be till the time God moves me. Yeah LA is far from the Inland Empire but even at $4 a gallon a home is worth it.

Life's Lessons Part Deux

"Death must be behind on his Quota."

-Sean Hoover

Six months ago I lost Tony Monge who raise me like a son since I was three years old. On Sunday I lost one of my best friends Shane "Jolab" Banfield. Two deaths in six months is more devastating then I can put into words, as heart wrenching as any tragedy and as mind boggling as theological mystery. In the last months in seminary I research the concept of tragedy and pain as it relates to the Christian life. I came to no conclusion other then Jobs life experience in accepting the good with the bad.

With that acknowledgement I am still at a loss emotional, mentally which then affects me physically. Its a crossroads that I never imagined facing this early being that Tony died at 44 and Shane was a few months younger then me. I look to God for answers and find only the idea of knowing why Jesus went to the cross; I know that right now I would pay that price for just my two beloved friends to be alive. My love does not compare to that of God's who loved us so much he stepped up for all mankind.

Still with wounds so fresh another wound such as the lost of a most dear friend has left me in a purgatory of thought and emotion. It is as if the world stopped once and then it decided to shatter. Though my love for God has not changed, I am at a loss. I find myself in a corridor of closed doors and having loved ones stripped away. I realize I have not lost hope but I am simply perplexed by the tragedy in my life and the mass amount of heartache I face.

Push toward the future. Face the setting sun and aim for the dawn. The Lord Most High sees his suffering children and is moved by their heart and prayers. I believe this and even though I feel like giving up I tell myself not to.

"At the moments u would rather be anywhere you are... you close your eyes and pray God reveals the reason your presence is required there..." Brian Oliva

Looking For Hope

Hope is not a commodity to be bought and sold, but sometimes she seems mighty far away, like a distant star in the sky.

Life right now is hard I will not lie. Impending school debt, cut hours at work and being a gypsy Christian has its down side when it comes to constant community. Still, as a follower of Christ led by the Holy Spirit I look to the star of hope and continue to move. During this time in America we can look back to our forefathers who in the great depression could not even afford bread yet still strived for a greater future. It reminds me of Acts 16:19-40 when Paul and Silas were in jail. They sung songs, if it was today I think it would be a flow of slam poetry and songs from their mouth I could imagine it now. Yet I am a dreamer and such things find there way into my head easily.

Lets take a closer look. The last time someone proclaiming a message of Hope and Change came along he sung a sweet song into Presidency. As of right now jobs are down, the economy is tanking, our foreign policy is a shambles and our new medical health bill is cast a huge shadow on a possible future of economic rebound. So along with a life of difficulty we see churches closing, along with companies, we see gas prices rising and natural disasters on the rise. Wars and revolutions are breaking out all over the lands around the Middle East and tragedy is every other story on the news. Some of you might be asking, where is HOPE? Even when I don't feel it as a believer I know that it is there. That is faith. David shows us this in his chart toping hit, Psalms 103:1-10;

¹Bless the LORD, O my soul,
and all that is within me,
bless his holy name!
² Bless the LORD, O my soul,
and forget not all his benefits,
³who forgives all your iniquity,
who heals all your diseases,
⁴who redeems your life from the pit,
who crowns you with steadfast love and mercy,
⁵who satisfies you with good
so that your youth is renewed like the eagle’s. (ESV)

We see that even David the King had to say "Hey Soul! know your place. Feelings remember what we know, the Lord is there even if we are feeling lost. Even though everyone has turned against us God is looking right at us, has are back and Loves us." Right now that is a good message. It is snail mail of the utmost importance to us. A letter sealed with wax, covered in perfume, and hand written in love with care. Right now you might be like me struggling daily with your feelings, feeling the weight of life and wonder what in heaven is going on. Don't give up. The battle will turn around keep pressing in. Just remember tweeting to God is not enough. You got to video message with him. In other words chat in prayer and listen for his response. And when your not doing that sing a song to him or remember the psalm 103. If we can still compare the Christian life to running a race remember we are training and run all the time. Part of that is pushing through for growth, it hurts, it feels like your lungs will burst and like your spitting acid but in time your body will get use to it and you will look back at the distance and say wow.

Hope is a part of the Life. Paul calls Christ our Hope and Salvation. So don't think of false failing hopes that we are promised by the world, media, and even political pundits. Think of the Hope that is forever and living it will sustain you like gatorade or a good meal.