Saturday, July 2, 2011

I Am A Writer

Late at night is an interesting time for me. My mind works like a loom producing countless weaves of thoughts, emotions and ideas. It twists those oh so many musings earlier from the day to use as threads. To navigate and harness these great strands in my mind of mine I write.

Writing something relevant carries an importance. I have considered the possibility of me being a writer and poet, but it seems I can only be half each of these things never full growing into a master of either because I am plagued by procrastination a disease that eats away at my very time. Still I struggle like a fly in a spiders web for I am caught by the inability to survive without the written language.

I feel like when God created me, he put ink in my veins, surrounded me with words circling my head formulating creative ideas, songs, stories and pictures in the printing press of my synaptic explosions. And if you were to unravel and look close at my DNA you would see the 26 letter of the english alphabet their with the dominate genes being AEIOU and sometimes Y.

Necessity is the mother of invention so I am inventing ways to take the old and make something new from it. Rebuilding mythologies and fairytales through new light that is only seen from the angles of the magnifying glass of my mind's eye. A forger of narratives I see the holes in movies and fill them with questions all the while writing in a small note pad kept in my pocket as a PDA. Its not the future its the past. Blurring the line of digital and printed books saying its ok for both to exist.

I am an illusionist hiding thoughts in context and subplots all the while directing readers in another direction. Now you see them or did you?


All Out In The Wash...


Been a great long time since I posted anything, which means this will be multi placed post; once here and repeated else where on the Aether. To begin I have lost much and I have gained much, which makes it all a wash in my opinion.

In the last year most of you have known that I lost the man I considered my father and less then six months later a man I considered my brother. As the weeks turn to months though the pain has dulled, coping with such grief is tremendous burden I rarely share because truly few can understand it and I do not wish to have platitudes of comfort shoveled at me trying to fix what never can be. Some things truly change us forever.

I trust God in all his wisdom but these last two years have been gut wrenching, soul tearing and full of tears. The silver lining has been my Fiancée Jules. I thank God for her each day as I draw breath. Still with all the stresses of life sometimes I do not know which way is up. On the spiritual front I have a great many words spoken over me that are suppose to be blossoming at this time in my life and maybe this is all a part of them.

This is me, trying to cope with everything. I pray, play guitar, have a glass of wine. Life moves from day to day in sometimes mono-tone shades of grey and in few occasion everything slams into Technicolor and just moments later we are back in Kansas again Toto. I feel like I am speaking the crazies. Still I know that life plagues everyone with harsh ups and downs and I am not alone in this sentiment. Being not alone keeps me a bit saner then most.

In the bible people are hit by countless obstacles, tragedies and loss. It is in few of these cases we see restoration or blessing. The things I do see in these stories are people’s faith. They never quite on God and I am in love with the creator so I would never quite on him either. It gives me solace knowing that no matter what I might lose or gain God is still my anchor, goal and love. Does it make life any easer? Heavens no, but it does make life bearable in these late nights where my heart feels half shattered and my soul is walking the shadowy valleys...

Thursday, May 19, 2011

The New Vegas Experience

Life has been rough since september, with loss after loss , broken limbs and a hospital crisis that just really shook up everyone close around me months of planning finally came to fruition. So having reached May our vacation plans finally gave my wonderful girl friend Jules and I time to relax. And what better place to relax then the glitz and glamour of the city of lights, shows and spa, the fabulous Las Vegas. Now that just the beginning of the story because under the planned vacation was a surprise that would bring both of us great happiness and joy. I could tell you off the bat, but then you would just ignore the rest of my ranting so you will have to continue to find out. So we arrived around 7pm Thursday night at the beautiful Vdara hotel and spa promptly took a nap and then went to dinner at the new Todd's English P.U.B. On the Menu was Shepherds Pie, A Wedge Salad with Bacon Dressing and a cookies and ice cream dessert. The drinks were Punch Drunk Love and Mojo 'O' Jito. It was delicious and while we waited we entertained ourselves with me balancing a spoon on my nose and talking of things to come. As we laughed and waited for our friends to get out of their
show we decided to walk the strip. (Note: One of the reasons I like Las Vegas is that every time I walk the strip despite the illegal aliens handing out porn cards, people begging for money and street performers trying to gain a tip, I feel the presence of Jesus right next to me. Here amongst all the noise, hurt and people you find Jesus ministering in spirit, charity, generosity and amongst the hurting.)
So catching up to my brother Mark and his Fiancee Starla we talked, took the monorail and went back to our room for wine and conversation. All in all it was a great night. Still more lay in store. (2nd Note: can you tell I love food. Seriously the who banquet feast Jesus talks about I am so for it.) After walking around for a bit we had fun looking at art and taking pics. Jules took a break for a bit of homework, Mark took a nap and Starla & I went shopping at the Miracle Mile in Planet Hollywood.Friday we woke early and decided to go for lunch at the new Aria hotel buffet. It was great filled with shrimp, sushi, mexican food, chinese stir-fry, fruit, creme brule and gelato. As time worn on we began the mad dash to get ready for our Circ De Soleil show ZuMaNiTy.
Seriously it was a bit chaotic change and meeting Mark and Starla but we did and then we took a taxi to the New York Casino. Picking up our tickets we met up with more our other friends Brooke, Wyatt and Sean who also had come to Vegas for the weekend. (3rd Note: Nothing makes a memorable vacation then being in a place with loved ones and friends.) So 7:30pm finally came around and we where ushered into a theatre built to look like a cross between a burlesque show and a cheap hourly hotel room decorated like valentines day love threw upover half the place. In other words it was rather a mix of sultry and tacky all at once. The show was almost 2hrs and to be rather brutally honest was lame and as shabby as the decor. After the show the night seem to get worse and we had a disagreement. So we all want to Todd's. This time trying the Organic Chicken Potpie with the rest of our order remaining the same. As the night progressed dinner ended and we went back to our hotel. So settling in our hotel room we discussed our misunderstanding ending up cuddling for the rest of the night.
Saturday having slept in we all decided to go seen the Boneyard. If your a old broken down Neon Sign this is where you end up. After traveling to the top of the strip past Freemont Streetwe end up find a gated closed facility with the sign trapped behind a fenced with a sign that said by appointment only. Being so close to Old Vegas and Freemont Street we decided to stop there and check out the signs. Armed with a camera, adventure and a bit of luck we headed down the street snapping memorable moments, coke bottle events and dollar story zaniness. The day went on and we discovered a small coffee house and art refuge tucked away upon the strip filled art, vinyl and coca-cola classic (made with real sugar.) It was and amazing venue of art and food the made me think that a little bit of the LA art scene had germinated into a lush hidden garden of imagination. Walking down the classic part of Freemont Street that we aptly named the "Boulevard of Shattered Dreams" we found not up to par street performers, Marilyn Monroe and $3 red-bull & vodka shots. Tuckered out by the experience we headed back to ready ourselves for the evening affair. Dinner reservations where at 8 and we where a little peckish so Pinks was a light snack of Hotdog Heaven to foster a strong evening appetite.
Fast forwarding to 6:45pm and you would catch Jules and I running across the strip to meet up with Mark and Starla to get a cab to Mandalay Bay for dinner. Traffic was a mess and getting one of the coolest cab drivers of the weekend was a must. John our driver was that and he got us there with a Star Wars reference and 6 minutes to spare earning a great tip and a hardy laugh from us all. We made it to the Mix Restaurant exactly at 8pm and was shuffled into the elevator for the 64th floor. They sat us down with a gorgeous view of the strip that we all enjoyed. (4th Note: This is were the plan finally began. Starla had rigged a bra malfunction and whisked Jules away for a moment.) Jules had left and I passed the ring I had designed for her a month ago to our waiter. So we ordered lush extravagant food that none of us had ever had two Lobster Salad, Tuna Tartar, Wagyu Beef, Sea Bass, a Violent Martini and a Sherman Imperial Martini was all put before us. Still it was dessert we all where waiting for, especially me. The waiter was first put down apple crisp, then cheese cake and finally bon-bons and set three dips before Jules. After telling her to open each lid in a order Jules did revealing a ring that got me down on my knees. A bit nervous I ask the love of my life to marry me and she said yes as I tried to put the ring on the wrong finger. After a minor correction we kissed and enjoyed dessert and like that we where engaged. The night became strange after that. We all went our separate ways for a moment. After getting in our pj's we headed to Mark and Starla's for Champagne. On the tram ride there the power
seem to go out but the Tram started right back up and finished the journey as we looked back we saw smoke rising for the vicinity of our hotel but ignored it and stopped to listen to some violist who where amazing.
After Champagne we head back to our hotel being stopped at the city center and told to go
around the power was out in the building. As we did the wind pick up and we had a long cold walk back to our hotel. We we got there it was like Katrina and New Orleans. Chaos, bad management and darkness because our hotel was the only one without power. It was four hours in the lobby just engaged sitting across from people just married in the lobby lounge. Still it was memorable night as at 4:30am we made it through the line up the only elevator moving on emergency power to our room. It was a night to remember.
Sunday Mark and Starla went home so Wyatt, Brooke, Jules and I went to look at the Venetian shops and it was great viewing the five art galleries. It was great seeing so many great artists and there works through out. We stopped and had dinner at Outback Steakhouse and agreed to meet Brooke and Wyatt at the Sahara to check out their room and a see the old place before it closed the following day. So grabbing a few souvenirs for our loved ones we headed on the monorail again taking it all the way to the old Sahara hotel full of history and scary character. We got lost a few times in the old building running into the creepy elevators, buying decks of cards and well finally getting past the thuggish looking security guards to hang out with Brooke and Wyatt which we did. Having a drink the night ended pretty well bringing our weekend to a major close as we had to drive home the next day. (5th Note: We got credit from the Saturday lobby event and had room service that night. Kobe Beef Slider, French Onion soup and more Creme Brule. It was great.)
Monday we stopped and grabbed a few more items for our loved ones and then drove back. Racing back like hellions we had to make it to an award ceremony for Jules at her college. Even with a stop off at old familiar gas station we made it in time for her to receive her award and her teacher to announce our engagement. I say that was a capital way to end the day. So there you have it a blessed weekend of relaxation, adventure, food, fond memories and exciting events.

Monday, May 2, 2011

The Starving Soul

With Mother's Day coming I went to the Family Christian to shop for all the new mothers I now have in my life. As I walked around I thought how much I missed where I was about 2 years ago at this time. The Refuge House of Prayer was filled with ups and downs, life and miracles, and fond memories. The most important thing I had there was constant time with the Lord. Since my time has ended there I have experience such heart ache, loss and love. So back to me standing in the bookstore.

Turning to my beautiful girlfriend I said "My soul is starving." She looked at me strangely inquiring why her voice filled with concern as always. We didn't miss a step as my conversation hit so many tangents as we shopped. She has to deal with my sometimes rabbit trailing mind. This late at night I am thinking on it. I am hungry to do his will. I am hungry to teach and preach. I hungry to feed the poor and to reach out to those in need. As I go to work everyday trying to pray and do what I am called to from behind concrete walls at a company. A silent hunger cultivates as I a unable even be associated with my calling.

As the mounting pressures of life and poor decision come to a head I wonder how God will answer and bring his promises to completion in my life. Still I seek to know in all this how to feed my soul so I can continue to grow with in all things as I wait. It is a interesting
dilema, but I know God and he always pulls through. For those who read this I leave you to Ponder this with me...

What hunger is in your soul?



Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Home (Brief Fleeting Moments for a Gypsy Christian)

As I sat there in worship and I wept.

I think that is a good place to start. I have not been to a church in a long time much less sat in a building that had a service in it. The way is a matter of calling a place home. It has been many a year since I discerned or felt God calling me to a Church as home. To be precise it has been 11 years since I have had that inclination. So waking up at 7am to get to LA in time I had no idea of what was to come.

Arriving at the El Rey theatre with my girlfriend Jules and cousin Chris I walked into expecting nothing but the usual instead I found something completely different. The El Rey Theatre was quaint small and anything but full as the worship team began. The music was not filled with popular titles, flashy guitar solos or much of anything you would expect to see in a church now a days. No it was simple words pulled from the Bible and put to music. As I sat there something in me seem to let go, relax and reach out to the Lord. Worship progressed and somewhere amongst my words and the rhythm of the music I felt Jesus wrap his arms around me and say welcome home.

As I sat there in worship I wept. It had been long and rough since I had been in those strong arms. As I poured my heart out everything faded and for one of those brief moments the world became clear as the creator spoke to me.

Home? I pondered the thought. By this time people where giving testimony to Lord and about his love. It made me smile. They took a offering for the poor and I gave what I have with a smile. They took a moment to celebrate the birth of the brethren who was there and when they where done Shawn Bolz the pastor took the mic.

He then proceed to teach not preach. For those who do not know the difference it is this, to preach is to convey a theological rhetoric and have agreement, while teaching is to pass on knowledge so one can grow. Not so subtle when I put it that way. Still to me it is a drastic difference, like a song calling you welcoming you home from far off in the distance being carried upon the wind.

There I sat learning, being feed on the word and just smiling. It was all confirmation that this was where I needed to be till the time God moves me. Yeah LA is far from the Inland Empire but even at $4 a gallon a home is worth it.

Sunday, April 10, 2011

A Brief Intermission...

With the loss of my friend Shane Banfield I have not written much. Consider it a brief intermission. I will be back in full force this coming week. I have movie reviews, spiritual up takes and who knows what else. The Skies are endless and an airship Pirate always must follow the winds...

Thursday, March 31, 2011

Life's Lessons Part Deux

"Death must be behind on his Quota."
-Sean Hoover

Six months ago I lost Tony Monge who raise me like a son since I was three years old. On Sunday I lost one of my best friends Shane "Jolab" Banfield. Two deaths in six months is more devastating then I can put into words, as heart wrenching as any tragedy and as mind boggling as theological mystery. In the last months in seminary I research the concept of tragedy and pain as it relates to the Christian life. I came to no conclusion other then Jobs life experience in accepting the good with the bad.

With that acknowledgement I am still at a loss emotional, mentally which then affects me physically. Its a crossroads that I never imagined facing this early being that Tony died at 44 and Shane was a few months younger then me. I look to God for answers and find only the idea of knowing why Jesus went to the cross; I know that right now I would pay that price for just my two beloved friends to be alive. My love does not compare to that of God's who loved us so much he stepped up for all mankind.

Still with wounds so fresh another wound such as the lost of a most dear friend has left me in a purgatory of thought and emotion. It is as if the world stopped once and then it decided to shatter. Though my love for God has not changed, I am at a loss. I find myself in a corridor of closed doors and having loved ones stripped away. I realize I have not lost hope but I am simply perplexed by the tragedy in my life and the mass amount of heartache I face.

Push toward the future. Face the setting sun and aim for the dawn. The Lord Most High sees his suffering children and is moved by their heart and prayers. I believe this and even though I feel like giving up I tell myself not to.

"At the moments u would rather be anywhere you are... you close your eyes and pray God reveals the reason your presence is required there..." Brian Oliva