A Recap...

525,600 minutes is the time in a year. Don't believe me watch Rent.

How have I spent this last year? 

Staring at the mirror my white hair reminds me another year has gone. They year started turned upside down. I was still reeling from the lose of Tony Monge the man who was father and friend to me since I was three. Still January came and went the only people who stood by me was family, Fiancee, Jolab, Mark and Starla. 

Moving into February I renewed my search for a new job. Celebrating my first Valentines in a relationship Jules made it a wondrous event filled with good memories. It was a brief break from the turmoil of my soul. 

As time passed and we moved into March I began to make my plans to become engaged to Jules with the help of my friends Jolab and Brooke. This took time but plans where laid out and monies where set aside. It would be a grand event. March 25th came and again I was shaken to the core as my friend and brother Shane let this earth following the loss of this brother Jesse. 

To say my world was in retrograde would be and understatement. My world was headed for the sun and about to get worse. In April as time got close to my engagement plans Jules son Aaron went into emergency surgery to remove his appendix. After a botched surgery the road that unfolded to recovery was rough. It was during this time my Cousin Chris came into the picture to support me and Jules as we looked after our youngest as he fought back and recovered from this adversity. 

By the time we got to May I was not sure of anything. I had lost Shane, I had no real church family other then a few sparse friends, and Jules and I were stretched to the frayed points of emotion. Vegas came as a brief respite in the torrent of life. I still had no new job, but I had a ring and tax returns. Mark and Starla where our guides during this time and with their help and a few good times she said yes and I was an engaged man.

In June I got my own place. Moving out from the torrent of family affairs at my Moms and trying to prepare for a wedding this seemed logical. It was also during this time my hours at work dwindled to half of what they where. Now I was not only making under what I was worth but now with half a pay check. Birthday's came and went. Jules and I had a great one celebrating at the Magic Kingdom. It was good for such a tight month. 

July came and money for food was scarce but we made it. Sliding into August with a new schedule with the kids and a school for everyone. September came and went letting October rise up to allow me to celebrate Aaron's and Larrisa's Birthday while morning Tony. It ended with a bang as I took there kids trick or treating with my Sister and her clan. 

November came and thanksgiving was great spending time with my mom and then David, Jules' brother. It was during this time Czarah enter in as my new boss to smooth somethings out at work. Now we are caught into December and well looking back I have some great memories. 

This year has taught me to endure with more heartache then I could imagine. I had some great times of rest but to me the next year is so unclear. 

Still it is good I am able to recap. I think I might add and modify this later till then here is it in the raw...

Art In Motion

Blank.

A canvas or piece of paper starts this way. In is a place to drip color or words onto to as to portray something the artist finds significant. Emotions, ideas, concepts of imaginations taking root on something to be refined. This can be poetry, stories, songs, pictures you name it the possibilities are endless.

Whats even more curious is when the canvas of such work is made of something used. Paper bags, pizza box, piece of cardboard, a dirty wall, stained cloth these things can and have been used to create art and bring purpose forth dreams.

Why do I bring this up?

Because Jesus does the same thing with the Human Soul. It is interesting how much we are like the creator. Using discarded, broken or damaged items to bring forth beauty to all who see it. If you think about it with a few cans of paint God can change the tagging on a persons soul to beautiful graffiti art. With the stroke of a pen he can change the words on the paper of our mind to something we could never imagine.

Just a thought...

It might be time to draw ink from my bones and write again.

I would not go so far as to say that the time of grieving has passed. True grief only finds a low hum in one's soul. Yet I find that you must look back at what is lost and hold on tight to the memory while continuing to move ahead. Your loved ones would not want you to stop, for they wait for you at the end of the race. As a man of faith I am sure I will see those again who I lost almost a year ago. Right now I have realized how much the loss of them has truly affected me.

I guess the best way to discribe it is that I went from a world of wonderful color to seeing things in grey, black and white. It is like moving but going nowhere. Looking deep at my past entries most of which are not published I have come to a point where I find I must change. It is inevitable.  Being changed can happen in a blink of an eye whether you chose to or not.

I know I am forever scared by my recent loss and will look at the world with one eye in black and white and try to regain color in the other. This is of course figurative but I hope you can understand the illusion I am making. I don't expect all of you to relate, but some will. All truths are revealed through experiences and some of those are pains, in that we can empathize or relate.

On the road that we call living one must move forward. The past will always be there like a scarp book of memories and whats more our hearts find it hard to forget love. Tony was the father I never had in my life. He taught me to play baseball, to fish, about being a man of honor and not letting people get to me. He was my Dad though he would never let me call him that. In the last year he was here with me we talked about Jesus and the end times. We worried together about my mom and my sister. We laughed and he saw me skydive indoors. Shane was my brother. No other way to describe him. Together we conquered armies, aliens and we walked through each others women problems. He taught me that life can begin anew after a great pain. In Las Vegas we had adventures and in life we shared our thoughts and dreams. Shane helped me with my writing and geeked-out with me on things from Mac product to Steam Punk guns. When I lost Tony he was there, and I was there as he lost Jesse. When his light fade so quickly after his brother the hole inside me turned into a chasm.

The Grand Canyon will never be filled and I have accepted the hole Tony and Shane left will not be filled either. Still like the Grand Canyon there is beauty there that is breath-takingly-painful. So I move on. I have been changed by life and loss. Now for the sake of those I love who are around me I forge all this experience into something useful. I am the heated metal in the tongs of the Great Smith. Keep watching as I am about to be made anew by God again. I believe some wondrous metamorphosis is about to occur. It does not mean I will forget or stop missing them. I just means I carry them with me till I see them again. All the good and the pain of the loss. Beauty from Ash. It's like phoenix rising...

Passing on Life.

At school I learned about mind, body and soul. Life has taught me a weak heart, leads to a weak mind and both lead to a weak physical frame. All this theological jargon is to say I caught a cold. It is funny that this cold would give my soul some clarity. I meditated on my thoughts last night and opened the Word to think on hope. It was Peter who wanted to speak to me on the subject. So I sat down and listened and here is where we started.

(1Peter 3:15) "...but in your hearts regard Christ the Lord as Holy, always being prepared to make a defense to anyone who asks you for a reason for the hope that is in you." It was a strong first comment to say the least. And having it come from Peter, well the brash voice of the apostles always seems to have a curious smile like he knows more then he is letting on. So he let me talk.

"Why is that sometimes I have do find defend against my own heart? The world pounds down causing a tsunami of emotion that seems to drown out the logic and truth in my faith. Is this a testing of my mettle? To show me my faith."

Looking at him I continued. "Jewish thought on faith is standing rooted, unmovable like a tree. So in testing we find how deep our roots go. Still what is there to learn if testing does not lead to a brief intermission of rest. We sat silent Peter and I the Holy Spirit lighting the small room in my heart with his presence. I looked at my teachers and smiled."

(1Peter 1:3-9) "Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! According to his great mercy, he has caused us to be born again to a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, to an inheritance that is imperishable, undefiled, and unfading, kept in heaven for you, who by God's power are being guarded though faith for a salvation ready to be revealed in the last time. In this you rejoice, though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been grieved by various trials, so that the tested genuineness of your faith-more precious then gold that perishes though it is tested by fire-may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ. Though you have not seen him, you believe in him and rejoice with joy that is inexpressible and filled with glory, obtaining the outcome of your faith, the salvation of your souls." His response sent me back to thinking.

I felt the deep stir of that living hope. A fire if you will. The room seemed a bit brighter as I stared at my teachers. Peter seems to have the look like me griping his words was funny. Or maybe it was like seeing a son learn a truth and doing his Father proud I could not tell. The Holy Spirit just tussled my hair as I sat there silently. Jacob (who most people call James) had taught me about taking trials and tribulations with Joy. Peter seemed to want to build on the block; it was the growing living hope that grew inside us every time we made it through another hardship. In that experience our worship turned into something that much sweeter to the ears of heaven. It was true I felt that hope stir even in the depths of my angst in the last few days. All the loss I have experienced and all the good times just made me glad that there are still things I can learn. Knowledge I can pass on. Still this hope has changed me.

I turned my gaze back to Peter and began to think aloud again. "This hope is a gift that endures past this life. Trials are walking with Jesus through hardship helps it grow, change and evolve. I can look back now and see that in the past I would have fallen sulking in my trail and using sin to nurse me. Yet, now the light of hope inside me spurs me to do more, to get up and praise walking forward triumphant. "

The Holy Spirit and Peter both burst into laughing. It was awkward but when they reined it in the both smiled. "Yes you go it. It does our hearts good to know you our child are doing well and are learning much."

With that I got up to leave as I walked to the door I turned around. "Thanks, its time for me to share more. I said."

The Matter of Time

It has been a great deal of time since I have written here. There has been many attempts to add to my blog, that is to say I have quite a few drafts hidden away from you my dearest readers. I do not fool my self into thinking people have been waiting for my next post or that people check this regular. If that was so I would have many more followers and I would journal on here regularly. Still I wish to reconcile with you my few readers and post.

The journey, which is life, has been hard on all of us. Looking around the United States and all over the world for that matter, economies are not the strongest. The job market is not clamoring for fresh blood, old blood or even experienced blood. No the job market is like a famished child starving for the sustenance of new work. I myself continue my search for a job that can feed my soul, provide for my budding family and carry the weight of my college debt. Is there such a job for me, I do not know?

So I struggle, wrestle and fight with my emotions feeling like a failure unable to provide for my family, no in ministry and delaying my loans. I feel utterly defeated sometimes and even more so I feel as if I have missed out on my destiny. Still I know that I am not the only one struggling with such feelings. So here I sit typing out my thoughts to you the Internet knowing that the chance of reply or growth for my weird little piece of the blog-o-sphere in slim and none, a sounding board with no echo if you will.

I feel it is important anyway because who knows whom will stop by and be encouraged. Yes, encouraged because though I feel this way I have learned to put not stock in my emotions. Though they affect me there is bright beacon of hope in my heart, a shining light that is the creator of the universe. The great God of all and dwells in spirit with me because of Jesus.

It is this hope that pulls me out of this despair. I know right now I feel lost and fallen, that all my enemies surround me looking to gloat over their victory because of my shortcomings. In these times I cling on to the identity I know. That I am a son of the King and thus he has plans for me to prosper. It's only a matter of time.

I Am A Writer

Late at night is an interesting time for me. My mind works like a loom producing countless weaves of thoughts, emotions and ideas. It twists those oh so many musings earlier from the day to use as threads. To navigate and harness these great strands in my mind of mine I write.

Writing something relevant carries an importance. I have considered the possibility of me being a writer and poet, but it seems I can only be half each of these things never full growing into a master of either because I am plagued by procrastination a disease that eats away at my very time. Still I struggle like a fly in a spiders web for I am caught by the inability to survive without the written language.

I feel like when God created me, he put ink in my veins, surrounded me with words circling my head formulating creative ideas, songs, stories and pictures in the printing press of my synaptic explosions. And if you were to unravel and look close at my DNA you would see the 26 letter of the english alphabet their with the dominate genes being AEIOU and sometimes Y.

Necessity is the mother of invention so I am inventing ways to take the old and make something new from it. Rebuilding mythologies and fairytales through new light that is only seen from the angles of the magnifying glass of my mind's eye. A forger of narratives I see the holes in movies and fill them with questions all the while writing in a small note pad kept in my pocket as a PDA. Its not the future its the past. Blurring the line of digital and printed books saying its ok for both to exist.

I am an illusionist hiding thoughts in context and subplots all the while directing readers in another direction. Now you see them or did you?

All Out In The Wash...

Been a great long time since I posted anything, which means this will be multi placed post; once here and repeated else where on the Aether. To begin I have lost much and I have gained much, which makes it all a wash in my opinion.

In the last year most of you have known that I lost the man I considered my father and less then six months later a man I considered my brother. As the weeks turn to months though the pain has dulled, coping with such grief is tremendous burden I rarely share because truly few can understand it and I do not wish to have platitudes of comfort shoveled at me trying to fix what never can be. Some things truly change us forever.

I trust God in all his wisdom but these last two years have been gut wrenching, soul tearing and full of tears. The silver lining has been my Fiancée Jules. I thank God for her each day as I draw breath. Still with all the stresses of life sometimes I do not know which way is up. On the spiritual front I have a great many words spoken over me that are suppose to be blossoming at this time in my life and maybe this is all a part of them.

This is me, trying to cope with everything. I pray, play guitar, have a glass of wine. Life moves from day to day in sometimes mono-tone shades of grey and in few occasion everything slams into Technicolor and just moments later we are back in Kansas again Toto. I feel like I am speaking the crazies. Still I know that life plagues everyone with harsh ups and downs and I am not alone in this sentiment. Being not alone keeps me a bit saner then most.

In the bible people are hit by countless obstacles, tragedies and loss. It is in few of these cases we see restoration or blessing. The things I do see in these stories are people’s faith. They never quite on God and I am in love with the creator so I would never quite on him either. It gives me solace knowing that no matter what I might lose or gain God is still my anchor, goal and love. Does it make life any easer? Heavens no, but it does make life bearable in these late nights where my heart feels half shattered and my soul is walking the shadowy valleys...

The New Vegas Experience

Life has been rough since september, with loss after loss , broken limbs and a hospital crisis that just really shook up everyone close around me months of planning finally came to fruition. So having reached May our vacation plans finally gave my wonderful girl friend Jules and I time to relax. And what better place to relax then the glitz and glamour of the city of lights, shows and spa, the fabulous Las Vegas. Now that just the beginning of the story because under the planned vacation was a surprise that would bring both of us great happiness and joy. I could tell you off the bat, but then you would just ignore the rest of my ranting so you will have to continue to find out. So we arrived around 7pm Thursday night at the beautiful Vdara hotel and spa promptly took a nap and then went to dinner at the new Todd's English P.U.B. On the Menu was Shepherds Pie, A Wedge Salad with Bacon Dressing and a cookies and ice cream dessert. The drinks were Punch Drunk Love and Mojo 'O' Jito. It was delicious and while we waited we entertained ourselves with me balancing a spoon on my nose and talking of things to come. As we laughed and waited for our friends to get out of their

show we decided to walk the strip. (Note: One of the reasons I like Las Vegas is that every time I walk the strip despite the illegal aliens handing out porn cards, people begging for money and street performers trying to gain a tip, I feel the presence of Jesus right next to me. Here amongst all the noise, hurt and people you find Jesus ministering in spirit, charity, generosity and amongst the hurting.)

So catching up to my brother Mark and his Fiancee Starla we talked, took the monorail and went back to our room for wine and conversation. All in all it was a great night. Still more lay in store. (2nd Note: can you tell I love food. Seriously the who banquet feast Jesus talks about I am so for it.) After walking around for a bit we had fun looking at art and taking pics. Jules took a break for a bit of homework, Mark took a nap and Starla & I went shopping at the Miracle Mile in Planet Hollywood.Friday we woke early and decided to go for lunch at the new Aria hotel buffet. It was great filled with shrimp, sushi, mexican food, chinese stir-fry, fruit, creme brule and gelato. As time worn on we began the mad dash to get ready for our Circ De Soleil show ZuMaNiTy.

Seriously it was a bit chaotic change and meeting Mark and Starla but we did and then we took a taxi to the New York Casino. Picking up our tickets we met up with more our other friends Brooke, Wyatt and Sean who also had come to Vegas for the weekend. (3rd Note: Nothing makes a memorable vacation then being in a place with loved ones and friends.) So 7:30pm finally came around and we where ushered into a theatre built to look like a cross between a burlesque show and a cheap hourly hotel room decorated like valentines day love threw upover half the place. In other words it was rather a mix of sultry and tacky all at once. The show was almost 2hrs and to be rather brutally honest was lame and as shabby as the decor. After the show the night seem to get worse and we had a disagreement. So we all want to Todd's. This time trying the Organic Chicken Potpie with the rest of our order remaining the same. As the night progressed dinner ended and we went back to our hotel. So settling in our hotel room we discussed our misunderstanding ending up cuddling for the rest of the night.

Saturday having slept in we all decided to go seen the Boneyard. If your a old broken down Neon Sign this is where you end up. After traveling to the top of the strip past Freemont Streetwe end up find a gated closed facility with the sign trapped behind a fenced with a sign that said by appointment only. Being so close to Old Vegas and Freemont Street we decided to stop there and check out the signs. Armed with a camera, adventure and a bit of luck we headed down the street snapping memorable moments, coke bottle events and dollar story zaniness. The day went on and we discovered a small coffee house and art refuge tucked away upon the strip filled art, vinyl and coca-cola classic (made with real sugar.) It was and amazing venue of art and food the made me think that a little bit of the LA art scene had germinated into a lush hidden garden of imagination. Walking down the classic part of Freemont Street that we aptly named the "Boulevard of Shattered Dreams" we found not up to par street performers, Marilyn Monroe and $3 red-bull & vodka shots. Tuckered out by the experience we headed back to ready ourselves for the evening affair. Dinner reservations where at 8 and we where a little peckish so Pinks was a light snack of Hotdog Heaven to foster a strong evening appetite.

Fast forwarding to 6:45pm and you would catch Jules and I running across the strip to meet up with Mark and Starla to get a cab to Mandalay Bay for dinner. Traffic was a mess and getting one of the coolest cab drivers of the weekend was a must. John our driver was that and he got us there with a Star Wars reference and 6 minutes to spare earning a great tip and a hardy laugh from us all. We made it to the Mix Restaurant exactly at 8pm and was shuffled into the elevator for the 64th floor. They sat us down with a gorgeous view of the strip that we all enjoyed. (4th Note: This is were the plan finally began. Starla had rigged a bra malfunction and whisked Jules away for a moment.) Jules had left and I passed the ring I had designed for her a month ago to our waiter. So we ordered lush extravagant food that none of us had ever had two Lobster Salad, Tuna Tartar, Wagyu Beef, Sea Bass, a Violent Martini and a Sherman Imperial Martini was all put before us. Still it was dessert we all where waiting for, especially me. The waiter was first put down apple crisp, then cheese cake and finally bon-bons and set three dips before Jules. After telling her to open each lid in a order Jules did revealing a ring that got me down on my knees. A bit nervous I ask the love of my life to marry me and she said yes as I tried to put the ring on the wrong finger. After a minor correction we kissed and enjoyed dessert and like that we where engaged. The night became strange after that. We all went our separate ways for a moment. After getting in our pj's we headed to Mark and Starla's for Champagne. On the tram ride there the power

seem to go out but the Tram started right back up and finished the journey as we looked back we saw smoke rising for the vicinity of our hotel but ignored it and stopped to listen to some violist who where amazing.

After Champagne we head back to our hotel being stopped at the city center and told to go

around the power was out in the building. As we did the wind pick up and we had a long cold walk back to our hotel. We we got there it was like Katrina and New Orleans. Chaos, bad management and darkness because our hotel was the only one without power. It was four hours in the lobby just engaged sitting across from people just married in the lobby lounge. Still it was memorable night as at 4:30am we made it through the line up the only elevator moving on emergency power to our room. It was a night to remember.

Sunday Mark and Starla went home so Wyatt, Brooke, Jules and I went to look at the Venetian shops and it was great viewing the five art galleries. It was great seeing so many great artists and there works through out. We stopped and had dinner at Outback Steakhouse and agreed to meet Brooke and Wyatt at the Sahara to check out their room and a see the old place before it closed the following day. So grabbing a few souvenirs for our loved ones we headed on the monorail again taking it all the way to the old Sahara hotel full of history and scary character. We got lost a few times in the old building running into the creepy elevators, buying decks of cards and well finally getting past the thuggish looking security guards to hang out with Brooke and Wyatt which we did. Having a drink the night ended pretty well bringing our weekend to a major close as we had to drive home the next day. (5th Note: We got credit from the Saturday lobby event and had room service that night. Kobe Beef Slider, French Onion soup and more Creme Brule. It was great.)

Monday we stopped and grabbed a few more items for our loved ones and then drove back. Racing back like hellions we had to make it to an award ceremony for Jules at her college. Even with a stop off at old familiar gas station we made it in time for her to receive her award and her teacher to announce our engagement. I say that was a capital way to end the day. So there you have it a blessed weekend of relaxation, adventure, food, fond memories and exciting events.

The Starving Soul

With Mother's Day coming I went to the Family Christian to shop for all the new mothers I now have in my life. As I walked around I thought how much I missed where I was about 2 years ago at this time. The Refuge House of Prayer was filled with ups and downs, life and miracles, and fond memories. The most important thing I had there was constant time with the Lord. Since my time has ended there I have experience such heart ache, loss and love. So back to me standing in the bookstore.

Turning to my beautiful girlfriend I said "My soul is starving." She looked at me strangely inquiring why her voice filled with concern as always. We didn't miss a step as my conversation hit so many tangents as we shopped. She has to deal with my sometimes rabbit trailing mind. This late at night I am thinking on it. I am hungry to do his will. I am hungry to teach and preach. I hungry to feed the poor and to reach out to those in need. As I go to work everyday trying to pray and do what I am called to from behind concrete walls at a company. A silent hunger cultivates as I a unable even be associated with my calling.

As the mounting pressures of life and poor decision come to a head I wonder how God will answer and bring his promises to completion in my life. Still I seek to know in all this how to feed my soul so I can continue to grow with in all things as I wait. It is a interesting

dilema, but I know God and he always pulls through. For those who read this I leave you to Ponder this with me...

What hunger is in your soul?

Home (Brief Fleeting Moments for a Gypsy Christian)

As I sat there in worship and I wept.

I think that is a good place to start. I have not been to a church in a long time much less sat in a building that had a service in it. The way is a matter of calling a place home. It has been many a year since I discerned or felt God calling me to a Church as home. To be precise it has been 11 years since I have had that inclination. So waking up at 7am to get to LA in time I had no idea of what was to come.

Arriving at the El Rey theatre with my girlfriend Jules and cousin Chris I walked into expecting nothing but the usual instead I found something completely different. The El Rey Theatre was quaint small and anything but full as the worship team began. The music was not filled with popular titles, flashy guitar solos or much of anything you would expect to see in a church now a days. No it was simple words pulled from the Bible and put to music. As I sat there something in me seem to let go, relax and reach out to the Lord. Worship progressed and somewhere amongst my words and the rhythm of the music I felt Jesus wrap his arms around me and say welcome home.

As I sat there in worship I wept. It had been long and rough since I had been in those strong arms. As I poured my heart out everything faded and for one of those brief moments the world became clear as the creator spoke to me.

Home? I pondered the thought. By this time people where giving testimony to Lord and about his love. It made me smile. They took a offering for the poor and I gave what I have with a smile. They took a moment to celebrate the birth of the brethren who was there and when they where done Shawn Bolz the pastor took the mic.

He then proceed to teach not preach. For those who do not know the difference it is this, to preach is to convey a theological rhetoric and have agreement, while teaching is to pass on knowledge so one can grow. Not so subtle when I put it that way. Still to me it is a drastic difference, like a song calling you welcoming you home from far off in the distance being carried upon the wind.

There I sat learning, being feed on the word and just smiling. It was all confirmation that this was where I needed to be till the time God moves me. Yeah LA is far from the Inland Empire but even at $4 a gallon a home is worth it.

A Brief Intermission...

With the loss of my friend Shane Banfield I have not written much. Consider it a brief intermission. I will be back in full force this coming week. I have movie reviews, spiritual up takes and who knows what else. The Skies are endless and an airship Pirate always must follow the winds...

Life's Lessons Part Deux

"Death must be behind on his Quota."

-Sean Hoover

Six months ago I lost Tony Monge who raise me like a son since I was three years old. On Sunday I lost one of my best friends Shane "Jolab" Banfield. Two deaths in six months is more devastating then I can put into words, as heart wrenching as any tragedy and as mind boggling as theological mystery. In the last months in seminary I research the concept of tragedy and pain as it relates to the Christian life. I came to no conclusion other then Jobs life experience in accepting the good with the bad.

With that acknowledgement I am still at a loss emotional, mentally which then affects me physically. Its a crossroads that I never imagined facing this early being that Tony died at 44 and Shane was a few months younger then me. I look to God for answers and find only the idea of knowing why Jesus went to the cross; I know that right now I would pay that price for just my two beloved friends to be alive. My love does not compare to that of God's who loved us so much he stepped up for all mankind.

Still with wounds so fresh another wound such as the lost of a most dear friend has left me in a purgatory of thought and emotion. It is as if the world stopped once and then it decided to shatter. Though my love for God has not changed, I am at a loss. I find myself in a corridor of closed doors and having loved ones stripped away. I realize I have not lost hope but I am simply perplexed by the tragedy in my life and the mass amount of heartache I face.

Push toward the future. Face the setting sun and aim for the dawn. The Lord Most High sees his suffering children and is moved by their heart and prayers. I believe this and even though I feel like giving up I tell myself not to.

"At the moments u would rather be anywhere you are... you close your eyes and pray God reveals the reason your presence is required there..." Brian Oliva

Looking For Hope

Hope is not a commodity to be bought and sold, but sometimes she seems mighty far away, like a distant star in the sky.

Life right now is hard I will not lie. Impending school debt, cut hours at work and being a gypsy Christian has its down side when it comes to constant community. Still, as a follower of Christ led by the Holy Spirit I look to the star of hope and continue to move. During this time in America we can look back to our forefathers who in the great depression could not even afford bread yet still strived for a greater future. It reminds me of Acts 16:19-40 when Paul and Silas were in jail. They sung songs, if it was today I think it would be a flow of slam poetry and songs from their mouth I could imagine it now. Yet I am a dreamer and such things find there way into my head easily.

Lets take a closer look. The last time someone proclaiming a message of Hope and Change came along he sung a sweet song into Presidency. As of right now jobs are down, the economy is tanking, our foreign policy is a shambles and our new medical health bill is cast a huge shadow on a possible future of economic rebound. So along with a life of difficulty we see churches closing, along with companies, we see gas prices rising and natural disasters on the rise. Wars and revolutions are breaking out all over the lands around the Middle East and tragedy is every other story on the news. Some of you might be asking, where is HOPE? Even when I don't feel it as a believer I know that it is there. That is faith. David shows us this in his chart toping hit, Psalms 103:1-10;

¹Bless the LORD, O my soul,
and all that is within me,
bless his holy name!
² Bless the LORD, O my soul,
and forget not all his benefits,
³who forgives all your iniquity,
who heals all your diseases,
⁴who redeems your life from the pit,
who crowns you with steadfast love and mercy,
⁵who satisfies you with good
so that your youth is renewed like the eagle’s. (ESV)

We see that even David the King had to say "Hey Soul! know your place. Feelings remember what we know, the Lord is there even if we are feeling lost. Even though everyone has turned against us God is looking right at us, has are back and Loves us." Right now that is a good message. It is snail mail of the utmost importance to us. A letter sealed with wax, covered in perfume, and hand written in love with care. Right now you might be like me struggling daily with your feelings, feeling the weight of life and wonder what in heaven is going on. Don't give up. The battle will turn around keep pressing in. Just remember tweeting to God is not enough. You got to video message with him. In other words chat in prayer and listen for his response. And when your not doing that sing a song to him or remember the psalm 103. If we can still compare the Christian life to running a race remember we are training and run all the time. Part of that is pushing through for growth, it hurts, it feels like your lungs will burst and like your spitting acid but in time your body will get use to it and you will look back at the distance and say wow.

Hope is a part of the Life. Paul calls Christ our Hope and Salvation. So don't think of false failing hopes that we are promised by the world, media, and even political pundits. Think of the Hope that is forever and living it will sustain you like gatorade or a good meal.

The Brotherhood

Samwise and Frodo, Spock and Captain Kirk, Edward and Alphonse Elric, Rand, Perrin and Matt these are just some of the characters the fill my head when I think of brotherhood. As long as I can remember I have always been drawn to stories, ideas and the desire to have brotherhood. Unity through adversity, indivisible even in affliction, and the belief that warmth, camaraderie and friendship should bind people like family.

I know it seems idealistic but I guess it's one of my main motivators in life. A fraternity found on the principles long ago set up by the disciples and Jesus. You see Jesus and the disciples show us brotherhood as they gathered his apostles around him. They ate together, lived together and learned together and even after Jesus' Resurrection we see them communicate and stand by each other.

Through my life I have had flirtations and experiments with this all of them ending with everyone going different ways. I realize that is the nature of human life but what of the unity that is suppose to continue. With modern technology should it not be easier to stay connected. Believers and non-believers I find are the same way in this manner. It is as if brotherhood is forgotten like the mist that disappears with the morning sun. Still like a child who imagines new adventures everyday I dream of the possibilities of such a fellowship. Yes Brotherhood I want it! Yep...

The Great Ramen Battle

The Great Ramen Battle Round 1

Saturday after much planning the wait to face the Special #2 at Orochon Ramen had arrived. The story started when I first saw Man vs Food face off against the spiciest ramen in the west. I thought "Hey! I can beat it that hands down I love spicy food." Little did I know how close I was to the edge of defeat. Traveling with me was my partner of awesomeness Joel who recently had a tragic dodgeball accident (it involved facing off against a secret organization of ninja dodge ball players. Keeping to the 5 D's of dodge ball he beat them but at the cost of injuring his gaming thumb.) We traveled the long road to Los Angeles my girlfriend Jules, Kaylee, Aaron and Joel landing in little piece of Japan here in America. Taking a look around to survey the lay of the land we stopped in a near by japanese supermarket grabbing some pocky and instant miso soup as prizes for those who could not be in attendance for the battle. Still we where working up a mighty hunger. Not hungry enough we moved on to a local bookstore were I read some tips on how to create great japanese pub food and bento box cuisine. After a quick family look at a book on cosplay we knew it was time to eat. So climbing up three flights of stairs to increase our craving and decided to put our names down to be seated. After about ten minutes we were escorted inside and handed menus.

The menu declared the challenge "Eat At Your Own Risk!!!" While the Jules got the lower level ramen #3 and the kiddos had teriyaki chicken and rice Joel and I man'd up. The order was placed two Special #2's with miso broth and as the two challengers we would take on noodles bathed in scorching liquid sun with some fresh jalapenos for garnish. So waiting for the the champ to be served to us time passed and the anticipation built as Joel and I talked about the possiblities of the awesomeness of the ramen of doom to come. My lovely girlfriend was served her ramen first. Then the kid's got their teriyaki and white rice. Finally it was time for the battle and it came out hot and spicy.

That's right the Special #2 came out in all its glory. Filled to the brim with noodles, pork, and super spicy broth the very smell of the ichor of destiny was before me and I was raring to partake of it heavenly goodness. The first three bites where nothing. The delicate noodles where thick and perfect in firmness, the pork cut thin and tender. While the vegetables were crunchy but still cooked. It was upon my fourth bite that my taste buds noticed that the heat was on and with the sultriness of the spice in each bite was agony. Now don't get me wrong this was one of the best ramens I have ever had, but since my tongue was ablaze the warmth of the broth, peppers and noodles ignited by already burning tongue to searing madness. Still I fought on cooling the noodles with my breath till all the ingredients where gone but a few peppers. Sweat poured down like a waterfall from my head. Joel did his best trying to eat the fire, admirable for this youth. Still the intense heat had broke him and he was giving up on the challenge. I told him to keep going at least get to the 30 minute dead line. With that he grabbed a fork and came at the flaming beast with all he had left. Its heat causing him to cough.

For me it was go time all that was left was the broth and to beat the restaurants challenge all I had left was five minutes. Putting the bowl to my lips I took a deep drink of the fearsome unrelenting broth of lava. It was then my stomach reached full capacity and I could not have taken in another bit. I was defeated by my full stomach, yet I was ok with it. As the broth settled in my stomach I knew I would regret trying to force the rest. Why you might ask? Well it felt like I had the a miniature sun in my stomach blasting mega flares every few seconds. I knew I had lost and it was after this acceptance that the next great adventure began. The search for a milk shank to put my stomach at ease.

Over all it was a great event and I am on the fence wether I will try to defeat the Special #2 again. The ramen was tasty and I am a glutton for punishment, but for a picture on a wall hey who knows what crazy madness I will do. Still I think training is involved. My recommendation to go to Orochon Ramen their ramen is phenomenal. You do not have to try the Special #2 there are a variety of heats and broths and for those who want something else their side dishes are good to. This time the Ramen won but who knows, the next time this Airship Captain just might pull out as the victor.

Orochon Ramen

Rating 5 out of 5 Cogs

Ambience: 4

Food: 5

Location: 5

Service: 5

Price: 5

The Church To Me. (Building Not Included)

Where to Fit?

My journey has taken me to a point, in which, when I sit in the chairs or pews of what is known as Christian church I feel out of place. In part is that I do not think of that as church anymore. In my last posting I paraphrased the view of a non-christian because I can relate. Sitting facing forward like in a movie theatre and listening listen to a pastor as a motivational speaker or Dr. Phil expecting direction on how life should be or what I should believe does not seem like the walk to me. (Not claiming there is no insight periodically from a good teacher.)

No Church to me now a days looks very different. I find church in conversations about God around a dinner table. It is feeding the poor with people passionate about being God's hands. It is talking about the difference between slam poetry and hip-hop or how truth can be found in the stories of writers. Worship service is wherever my heart over flows and I can not help but sing. From a mall, work, in the shower or even the super market. I still like huge group times of singing, guitar playing and a cappella of voices to God. The beauty of the Earth is a grand chapel to experience a relationship with God. I am not saying there are not sacred places.

There are places where the vail of the Kingdom and Earth are thin. The Grand Canyon, IHoP KC, a Boiler Room, ORU are some examples. It can be said where the hearts of those dedicated to the desire tin having a relationship with God and seek it with all they hearts together that is a sacred place.

This is very different from what I was raised to believe. Still the more I walk with Jesus from place to place the more I understand why he spoke in the public places and went to peoples houses. Being able to look into the eyes of people, hear their stories, taste the wonders of food and hum of with the music. To dance with a bride in Cana of Galilee and drink a vine vintage wrought from the water and the Holy Spirit. To praise God by spending time with people, clarifying things they where learning about and to bring healing to a beaten broken people.

I see similarities between the Jewish people of that time and the youth of this generation. They were beaten down by a world and its government. They whispered hush filled prayers for mercy as they where taxed into poverty. They looked to each other and the heavens as they where faced with a culture that said they where never good enough (cause they where not Roman.) Jesus brought life into that by being amongst the sinners who looked for escape. Some of them moving from the arms of one lover to another, still others shunned because they where diseased and just wanted a touch of reprieve, and others who cried out from a distance even if they thought they were unworthy and just wanted scraps from the Son of David.

I am just not able to walk anywhere if I am stuck in a building or close my eyes to those who do not know the love I know. The more I have been educated the more I find my self knowing nothing. As life moves forward the more I have experienced love the more hurt I have experienced to. As many songs as I have sung worshiping God, I have experienced ill towards me from being sick, to being called names, to others completely abandoning me over discussions. Still I find myself rejoicing in the Lord and learning to find happiness in the things he is giving me. Church is found in this, the Christian walk is this, as for the power of the spirit. Well that comes with faith and that is something that needs experience to.

I am a bit disgruntled. I like a glass of wine. Maybe a pipe every so often. I love spending time with people and food. To converse, learn and love together. Church to me is not in a building and sometimes its happens when you least expect it. God likes jumping in on your life if you give him a chance. I wonder when I will find a new home. Maybe not till the Citadel. Till then I seek. Till then I read the word, seek my Lover, and love others as I try to love God...

A Different Look At A Church Service

(This Is based on an Non-Christian's Point of View)

You pull into the parking lot and make my way past the greeters who are either apathetic or just want to hand you a flyer for service. On the other hand their are the super over-friendly welcomers that kind of creep you out.

Making your way through the halls of people milling about and chattering they give you the feeling that everyone is trying to hard. It’s like a masquerade with everyone trying hard to a family with people calling out brother and sister. It as all the trappings of everyday gentleness and polite conversation with a careful amount of care shown over the most trivial and mundane aspects of each other’s lives. A stage of dutiful Christians with no idea of why they are actually trying to care or understand one another, other then because the pastor preaches so or they think they bible says so.

After grabbing a coffee or mocha at the pseudo-Starbucks the facility boasts of you head into the auditorium. Sitting you gaze around now abandoned since the greeters and ushers jobs are done. In about 5 to 10 minutes you have one of two things you are waiting to happen. The first can be some lead vocalist person shouts into the microphone “Let’s all stand up and praise the Lord!” and the cool-Christian-rock-band tears into an up-tempo worship number. The second option in this beginning barraged by a multi-media video about the Church highlighting what great things they are doing in the community and up coming events. Either way you end up with the vocalist asking you to stand.

Now depending on your choice of venue everyone is having such a GOOD TIME! or they are all stuck to their chairs like disgruntled children dragged to the doctors. Some larger locations include a mix of both enthusiasts and angsty members. This vocalist inevitably starts his rock show with an assortment of music for a variety of pulled off the local popular Christian radio or website. As multi screens show Powerpoint slides flashing across projection screens backed with images of crosses, Jerusalem, serene lakes or the clear blue sky.

After the jam session the next thing is the “let’s turn around and greet each other this morning” and the pews come to life with hugs, handshakes and more over friendly greetings of people who will never remember your name.

From there someone the Pastor, Elder or Guest Speaker gets up and tells you their take on the life an Old Testament hero, Jesus, Peter or Paul figuring some way to tie their diatribe to the current hot button issue going around the church. This of course can consist of and not limited to Marriage, Finances, Politics, Charity or community. And with a mix of some pictures, cuts form Braveheart, the Matrix or some other popular inspiring movie this is considered cutting edge theology.

Once it’s over we have to back to more flamboyant praise-and-worship rock show staring the worship team and more sheer ritual, robotic, trance-like audience participation. With that being done and every ones duty fulfilled you can walk out as if you never been there because next time you visit it will most likely be exactly that, as if its your first time again. Of course if the church your visiting gives prizes for first time visitors then your in luck and can get twice the swag.

This is a paraphrase of a non-Christians point of view. If you want to see it go From Eden To Zion

Into the Heart of the Matter

Holding flames in hand

Molding dreams with a word

Dancing with moves that shatter walls

Changing the future with faith in truth

Silly songs strummed on a guitar that change hearts

Clarity of vision that is not measured by eyesight but by one's heart

Though only half the man survives the death of his father it is more then enough to foil the macinations of a legion of devils

As self bows before humility of life and lesson

A phoenix arises again from ashes gone by

Pinions as black as midnight

Sharp grey eyes deep as steal

A resolve shining bluest flame

Life Lessons

There are some tough lessons I have learned from life in the last few years. Here are four for you to see.

1. The Death of some one dear changes you forever.

I have had many people die around me. I was part of a funeral before I was a part of a wedding. That being said they did not hit me because of the distance with those who passed on. Recently I lost the man who was my for all intensive purposes my Dad and that forever has changed me. I have yet to recover from this loss.

2. Life always affords you opportunities to learn.

In graduating from seminary I came to learn how little I knew. God taught me more in the city of Tulsa then inside any classroom at Oral Roberts University. Though life there was full of great experience the opportunities to learn came everyday in unexpected ways. From helping to feed the poor, to help hosting dinners and passover, to conversations with friends and my students.

3. From Relevant to 24/7

The idea of the relevant church was something I use to find at the cutting edge of Christianity. The idea bringing the christian culture out of the 70's and 80's and into the new millennium entranced me for sometime. Though I think it is important to be able to relate to the children of today, it is more important to get in touch with God who can speak to the hearts of all generation. The Prayer movement came along reformed and revolution of my theological foundation. Reminding me of the ways of the ancients through fasting, praying and letting seeking the Holy Spirit to lead and do the miraculous. It can be said that God brought this at time to turn the fire of my faith from orange to the powerful blue flame. It is in this seeking that the vision of my heart crystalized towards New Orleans.

4. The Price of Pain

This lesson has been tough because pain hurts. Recently my mother's illness has been worse making the pain racking her joints unbearable. Having her cry out for help and being unable to do anything has been excruciating. The pain of loss affords only deep memories and regrets for the things undone. Physical pain let you know when somethings wrong whether its getting older, growth through exercise or being sick. Pain of heart lets you know when you spirit is not so well. All in all the price of pain is a high cost and I see why we as humans do anything not to feel it, drown it out, cover it up and avoid it all together. Still if we can push through find healing the fires of pain can teach us humility, strength, patience and wisdom.

In great wisdom God teach us things in life these of course where a few of mine.

D&D SAYINGS

UNKNOWN

Sometimes people are eaten by dragons. Other times people slay dragons. I prefer flying on the back of dragons. Unconventional I know but live life dangerously I say...

Some people crush bugs. Other people crush flowers. Me and my friends we crush evil armies of goblins...

SAYINGS

You walk quietly and carry a big stick. This guy behind me shouts like blood murder and carries a broad sword. Yeah I would fear him a little more too... -Ancient gnomish tenet

Sometimes the only thing you can say is "OWLBEAR!" and run... Philbar Squeeker The Halfing Thief...

‎"A mage once told me never look into the eyes of a Beholder. And you know what he was right." One-eyed Phelius the inn keeper...

"You know what? I met one of those beholder types down in the Underdark while showing some cocky princeling around. He thought it would be funny to show off to his brainless trophy girl and throw a magic missile at the beast's back.. Or whatever you'd call it. Guess who's still petrified down there?" -the slightly insane dwarven guide

"We dared the perilous wastelands. Made it past the murky swamp. And develed deep into the ancient runes of Urik. Only to find NOTHING! And a note stating our competitors had gotten there FIRST!" Apple the unlucky Rogue

"Whoever said the road less traveled leads to adventure is full of goblin dung..." Chu Linn the Wondering Monk of Qi Lu.

‎"In my opinion, the road less traveled simply means more sprained ankles and bad nights' sleep to get somewhere you probably could have taken a coach to." -the grumpy dwarven trail guide

‎"Yeah I love the wind, well unless the wind is a crazy Djinn trying to eat my face off and slash me into pieces." Werricky the not so brave fighter...

We shall ride like the wind, except we have no horses so we walk" Edwin the horseless ranger

UNDEAD

‎"I ran into a liche one time. Couldn't get the smell off my armor for weeks. The lesson here is don't charge the liche." Grubar the Warrior of Pav

“You know, the gypsies over 'round the river bend make a rot gut moonshine that'll rip your intestines open. Not recommended for drinking, but it'll strip skunk and zombie stench off your armor in a heartbeat. Of course, then people just assume you're drunk for a fortnight." -the slightly insane dwarven guide

ADVICE

‎"Never accept jobs from royalty. They run at the first sign of danger and carry trunks of useless rubbish." Garry the Henchman

‎"Excellent dragon bait though" Federico the sarcastic rogue

"They pay well though, and if they run away fine. At least they're out of my way." -Marc the Merc

‎"Fire is always an important tool on a journey. It keeps you warm, lights your way and make sure a troll stays down." Lollin the half-elf ranger...

"Fire should come with a warning sign, danger do not eat, unless you are a dragon" John "the gipper" Silverline, fighter extraordinaire, not too bright though

‎"Ah snow it rusts weapons and armor, it chills you to the bone, and it hides many foul beasts." Petrov the human ranger of the White Tundras...

"Roasting a beast is an art best left to professionals. I had a wizard try and use magic to recreate his favorite dish and all I remember is that is smelled like troll dung and made us sick for days." Hank the innkeeper former warrior of Knott...

"Meat is a dish best served cold, and uncooked" Conroy the barbarian

Rule number one to surviving any journey: have at least one person who can work a skillet. The fastest way to get killed is dying of improperly prepared food or trying to fight on an empty stomach. I remember once, a wanna-be ranger woke up dead after he decided to spice up his bowl of stew with fresh oregano. It was actually nightshade." -the grumpy dwarven guide

‎